Nubs

Just read an article on Edge on-line, which you can read right here. The article explains that about 10 percent of all internet users under the age of 18 are addicted in some form or another to on-line games (read: WoW), and how the government is undertaking measures that regulate the number of hours someone can play a game before it automatically logs the player off, and fun stuff like that. I think a couple of months ago, I heard something where they put a cap on the number of levels someone could gain in one 24-hour period. Fun!

So yeah, government-enacted counter-measures in place to curb obsessive gameplaying? Doesn't work. It doesn't take into consideration human nature, the role of a parent in an adolescent's life, and a growing child's own ability to act in moderation in all avenues of their life. It doesn't get to the root of the problem. It doesn't fix a fucking thing.

The Chinese are a people that care the world about "mian zi" or "face." In addition to that, their nationalism is way strong. How about a family-based initiative that puts stress on a parent nurturing their child not just in the way of academics, but also imparting knowledge in the way of acting like a functioning human being instead of a bin that gorges on KFC, McDonalds, and epic purples on a daily basis? Call parents out for being irresponsible and put an emphasis on betterment for the future of a harmonious Chinese society and I guarantee you results, goddamned widespread societal changes across China. Stop externalizing the blame and force people to face the issue at hand. In WoW terms, stop bracket-camping in 19 Warsong Gulch and face 70 Arena like a man.

This isn't going to work because of the same reason jailing drug addicts in America doesn't work. To paraphrase Bill Hicks, "These people aren't criminals, they're s-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ck."

China, you have a beautiful country. The people are amongst the nicest I've ever met, and the food? Oh my dear lord. But this control? This censorship? You guys are straight nubs when it comes to effective leadership techniques, no doubt.

Guitar Hero Chapter II: Retribution

According to an interview with Mtv Multiplayer Blog, cinematic auteur and innovative visionary Brett Ratner expressed his interest in bringing a certain Activision franchise to the silver screen. No, not WoW, that's technically still under the auspices of Blizzard. More specifically, Guitar Hero is a franchise Ratner sees as ripe for the plucking.

This, along with shows dedicated to 80's teen idols that share similar names, and that fucking "handlebars" song, goes right up there with things that serve to earmark the progress our great civilization has made, both socially and metaphysically, as a cohesive entity moving forward in this time of uncertainty to better itself through deep introspection and philosophizing. I am beyond excited for a film that carries this magnitude of promise; if anyone can take something and catapault it at the speed of sound towards the throes of mediocrity, it is Brett Ratner.

Of course, why let the outpouring of great, inspired ideas end at Guitar Hero? There is a cavalcade of eager and willing games carrying unfulfilled potential in their loins waiting for luminaries such as Ratner to come and tap with his god-cock of inspiration. How about a Cooking Mama movie, where a young girl discovers her ability to follow directions to a rote "T" and scratch shit really fast? Or how about a trilogy based on Puzzle Quest, where the exciting, fast-paced combat of the game is reenacted on-screen with the furious action of Bejeweled-style gems sliding to and fro? Better yet, how about that aforementioned WoW movie, where the noble and brave heroes of Azeroth stand in Stormwind for about six hours and jump in place, occassionally going into AFK to fire up a Hot Pocket in the microwave?

Oh, Mr. Ratner. When I die, I hope to pull up a chair next to you, Henry David Thoreau, Charles Bukowski, and Gandhi. Until that day comes, I have that WoW movie to tide me over.

Yeah, it's being made. Let all the fanboys, shut-ins, and man-childs of the world crinkle their Taco Bell wrappers in unison!

Tangent!

In order to make this "relevant" (in the sense that I have a goddamned NES controller as my banner for this page), I will list music I listen to while playing WoW in window mode.

I've been listening to a Peruvian band called Resplandor for only a few days, but their latest record has already grown on me, its replayability factor verging on My Bloody Valentine's Loveless or The Roots' Phrenology in my personal catalog of classics.

I first heard their song "Raindrops" playing on Indie 103.1FM, and after listening to the song for about 15 seconds, I knew I had to have their songs. Their latest album, Pleamar, was produced by Rob Guthrie of Cocteau Twins' fame, which is pretty much a mark of dream-pop quality for those that are familiar with the Twins' work.

I'd try to describe Resplandor's music, but then I'd just sound corny and lame, what with utilizing phrases such as "ethereal soundscapes that evoke emotions new and forgotten" and shit like that. I ain't down with that cosplay shit, son.

The best thing to do is to check it out for yourself:

Resplandor's Myspace page

Wow, what just happened?

"Onward, my stalwary compatriots, to social apathy and shunting of all adult responsibilities!"

As evidenced from ny last posting date, I have not been keeping up with my blog. What happened, you ask? WoW happened. Go figure.

Okay, so maybe it's not completely WoW's fault. I'm also making preparations to head over to the Motherland in a few weeks, so there's been preparations on that front as well.

Because this blog is ostensibly a video game blog (ugh, I am mental garbage), I will tie both aforementioned subjects together, which are China and WoW. For those of you who don't know, this will not be my first stint in the great People's Republic, as I spent all of 2006 living on the outskirts of the city teaching English to Chinese students, which was more or less one of the most awesome experiences of my short life.

However, not everything was peachy. Amongst academic laziness and failing to concentrate on what was important, ie. speaking and listening comprehension over the decidedly difficult and morale-crushing mechanics of English grammar, a slipshod system comprised of "ifs, buts, and hows" and near impossible for even native English speakers to follow on a subconscious basis, another problem that plagued some of my students was their frequent forays into the realm of Azeroth.



Console gaming is predominantly a middle-class phenomenon, especially now. As the cost of producing a triple-A title for a console nears Hollywood-like figures, civilian upkeep is expected to keep up with the times as well. This calls for a decent sized television set, preferrably HD in order to play HD-optimized games, and well, lots of money to buy each individual game. With that in mind, console gaming is even more a phenomenon in China, especially because China doesn't have a pronounced middle-class, at least not like how we have it out here.

So, while there may be kids in China synching Devil May Cry cutscenes to Linkin Park's "In The End," I can offer a guess that there are probably twenty times that amount of kids on Baidu.com looking for WoW PvP videos, given the accessibility and prevalance of cyber-cafes throughout Asia. Make no mistake about it, WoW is freaking huge out there. Coke cans that one would be accustomed to seeing high-profile athletic or movie endorsements instead feature Night Elf Rogues in all the supermarkets in Beijing. Although I'm not sure if the number of Chinese WoW players has reached the point of Starcraft-like figures in Korea, it's a safe bet that the game has already done its job in permeating the fabric of Chinese youth culture.

I don't even know what the point of this entry was. Most likely, just to establish the fact that WoW is fucking huge over there. Pretty soon, I'm going to start referring to China as "over here" which is both exciting and scary, exciting in that I will soon be lent numerous possibilities to make WoW cracks since it's just damn prevalent, and scary in how little else I might end up blogging about. We'll see.

The Orrimpics

(Note: This is an earlier post that I was either too inspired or too lazy to post. "Enjoy", I guess)

Just watched the Olympics opening ceremony on NBC, and hoo boy, did the Chinese go balls to teh walls with this one. I can almost imagine the look on visual and artistic director Zhang Yimou's face, curled into a Howard Hughes-esque sneer and chomping on a cohiba, as dozens of designers scramble around him telling him of potential costs for each individual act requested, and then, with the room then falling into a hush, Zhang Yimou just standing up, putting his cigar out onto the table he was sitting at and uttering in a monotone, gravelly voice: "I don't care how much the damn thing costs; just make this happen," and then walking out of the room as the people around him fall into chaos. Ah, China.

As the hosts stated, there will probably never be as extravagant an opening ceremony as the one put on display in Beijing this year. Considering the amount of manpower and resources the Chinese government put into this entire endeavor, it'll be hard to top.

Too bad that the "official video game" for the Beijing 2008 Olympics, with the box art more akin to a power-pop band photo shoot for the front cover of Spin magazine is so meh. Sooner or later, sports video games are going to have to get more creative if they capture the other potential audience that isn't so much concerned with how many rushing yards they can get out of a strong play (that sounded convincing, right?), but rather, the more game-y, role-playing elements of the trade. Japan has already published numerous soccer manager simulators where the player purchases equipment and abilities ala Final Fantasy style. No shit.

I, for one, would like to see that in a Beijing Olympics video game. Not just the player participating in athletic events, which by itself boils down to how fast you can mash the controller, but the other little things on the side as well. For instance, how cool would it be to play as one of those people in that little box dance number they had, with knowledge that a single mistake could spell the end of your career as a per-hour dancer in employ of the People's Republic? Or how about a stage where you play as the now-44 year-old Li Ning, running alongside the fucking OUTER RIM of the Bird's Nest stadium, in a Tony Hawk-esque game where you have to tilt the analog stick accordingly to prevent your fragile legs from giving out due to stress and age? Better yet, how mind-blowingly cool would it be to play a bonus stage where you play as riot cop quelling civilian protests in Tibet, with tear gas and beanbag guns at your disposal, as you run around the province collecting Mao Zedong icons ala Crackdown?

Eh, one can dream. Game developers talk about full immersion in games but they have yet to deliver this so-called experience on all fronts. My fingers are crossed that the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games videogame will allow this immersion, complete with requisite trips to Tim Horton's and haggling with the predominantly Cantonese-speaking contingent in full Mandarin.

Edit: Just watched the closing ceremony for the 2008 Beijing Olympics... yeah, not so much. And not to slight our friends across the Atlantic, who have given us so much in the way of Coldplay and fish & chips, but seriously, that shit was lame. Not even Jimmy Page and a "hey guys.... I guess" appearance from David Beckham could salvage that little tea party.

She puts the "WOW" in WoW

Yet another World of Warcraft-themed post today, but for good reason.

And, on the same note, yet another World of Warcraft-themed post dealing with the dating scene... in China, that is. I'm using that as pretense to show off Zoe's "l337" art skills, anyhow, so I'm not going to go too deep into that subject, least not today.

Although I'm reluctant to play any game that requires more than 5 minutes to read a single sentence (on my part, at least), the prospect of playing WoW without having to deal with "heal NOW nub" and "come duel me nub" and verbal stalemates regarding who has a better epic-mount (read: e-peen) every two seconds is a spine-tinglingly delicious proposition. I digress, where was I?

Oh yeah. My girlfriend's co-worker is currently enamored with a human paladin player, used by a female (verified, presumably, thru Vent or TS). As a template to follow for anyone engaged or about to engage in romantic endeavors, a gift should always be personal and meaningful, which requires that special something. Now, Zoe might've played various magic-using toons in WoW, but none of them hold a candle to her magical ability in real life.

I mean, how else could someone turn this:


Into this:


Crazy good, ain't it? Zoe's already promised me a portrait of my main, a level 27 Forsaken Rogue, rocking nothing but uncommons and one or two blues. That's like serving Mountain Dew in a gold-plated chalice, but it's the thought that counts. Hopefully, I can parlay this into a before and after portrait, after I get my epic armor set.

But that's really no concern to me at the moment. If the culmination of all my time spent playing WoW is a personalized portrait from my girlfriend, that's really all I need.

Peace, love, and Warcraft

"Sorry...don't know what else to say."

Second time I've received solicitations on WOW. First time was with my not-really-Alt; this time, it was on my main. Once again, for the sake of protecting individual's privacy, and possibly my own skin, I won't list names.

Let's just say he/she liked the way my rogue did it from behind. After telling me that he/she "couldn't stop thinking about the last time we talked," which more or less involved me telling him/her how to get around Undercity and where he/she should go next, I told (fuck it, I'll just say it from now on) it that I wasn't sure how exactly our conversation could have been construed as anything but "brief and cursory."

Is this the sad state that has befallen the IRL dating scene? That presumably eligible women need to log-on to a digital world to find the literal-but-not-really knight riding on a white horse to sweep her 200 lb. frame into his shaking arms? Okay, that's two unfair assumptions I've made there, but I was nice about it when the topic came up.

Said lvl. 12 female Forsaken warrior is now convinced I'm a dick, which honestly, I wouldn't have any other way. My lovable Geist needs no virtual women to sate his earthly desires and moves as freely as the wind. Also, things could've been worse.

This could've taken place on Second Life, after all. I mean, c'mon. Eesh.

Like chicken noodle soup at a buffet court

Here are screenshots of the male protagonists to appear in upcoming RPGs being released by Square Enix this year:

The Last Remnant

Final Fantasy XIII Versus

Star Ocean: The Last Hope

Notice a pattern? Me neither.

I don't know at which point in Japan all male characters in both anime and video games moved from a combination of depth and adulthood to under-legal drinking age preened prettyboys.

What happened to strong male characters with depth like Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star or Yo Himomura from Crying Freeman? What happened to the Humphrey Bogart/ Cary Grant archetypes of characters like Golgo 13?

Hell, what about Lance and Bill from Contra? Pastiches of Western action stars, but still men, nonetheless.

When did this spate of child-worship in games come to fruition? Where are our Solid Snakes and Ryu Hayabusas? Why haven't we had more characters with genuine character and morals, or resonant history like Kaim from Lost Odyssey, a game I fucking loved? In regards to Final Fantasy, why do I now have the option to only control select members of the Mickey Mouse Club? Where did mature, adult characters like Cecil, Sabin, or Shadow go? Why are we getting more Vaans than Baschs'?

I'll definitely be buying Final Fantasy XIII. I'll probably check out Infinite Undiscovery, too. Year after year of being consistently disappointed by something I know I shouldn't be disappointed about has conditioned me to instinctively look past the big, beautiful, blue eyes covered by bangs staring lifelessly into my own sad soul each time I play these games with high expectations that this time, maybe this time, things might be different. Doesn't mean I have to like it, though.

Your move, Square Enix. Although I imagine it'll be stalemate until the Weaboos of the world stop syncing your cut scenes to Linkin Park's "In The End" and then posting said contrivances of mediocrity and zero creativity masquerading as art onto YouTube. Which, at this point, will be approximately three days after Armageddon rightfully wreaks a blight upon this world, an end of days you helped to sow, Square Enix. I hope you're happy.