Dear Internets, Pt.2

Or more specifically, Facebook-ians.

Although both tenses exist within the framework of the now, present simple and present continuous are marked by crucial albeit subtle differences.

Let me illustrate:

"Robert is feels like buying a Hitachi Magic Stick."

See where this sentence is wrong? The "is" puts the sentence squarely in the Present Simple, which either describes a routine habit or a current state of being. Now, the Facebook status update thingy used to be prohibitively locked in the Present Simple tense, meaning future action and et al would have to be indicated by a gerund form (or "-ing") of said intended future action.

With the new facelift (which I'll get to next) in place, the Facebook user now has the option to erase the "is" and replace it with any verb he or she may conjure up. However, this has led to yet another deficiency in proper English, with the following example becoming more and more common:

"Robert wants to buy a Hitachi Magic Stick because I have this sinking feeling that I can't please any woman that I come across."

Wuh-oh. What do we have here? It seems the anonymous Facebook user has gotten their first-person and third-person mixed up, no doubt a tricky art to master by any person of six years of age or older. Although Facebook might have nixed the "is" altogether, the user's first name, "Robert" in the above example, cannot be erased. The sentence is not preceded by an "I" or "I'm", so this means all subject indicators from this point forward must be in the third-person, ie. "he", "her", etc., etc.

English is a tough language to master. There are no vowel or consonant consistencies, and sentence structure allows flexibility to the point of verbal chaos. The only kind of person that might master such a language would be... I don't know. Someone who fucking grew up in the United States of America, perhaps? But, let's be fair here: who actually "grows up" in the USA anyway?

Welcome to America, kiddies. Hope this language that you've been speaking all your life doesn't get you down.