Like chicken noodle soup at a buffet court

Here are screenshots of the male protagonists to appear in upcoming RPGs being released by Square Enix this year:

The Last Remnant

Final Fantasy XIII Versus

Star Ocean: The Last Hope

Notice a pattern? Me neither.

I don't know at which point in Japan all male characters in both anime and video games moved from a combination of depth and adulthood to under-legal drinking age preened prettyboys.

What happened to strong male characters with depth like Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star or Yo Himomura from Crying Freeman? What happened to the Humphrey Bogart/ Cary Grant archetypes of characters like Golgo 13?

Hell, what about Lance and Bill from Contra? Pastiches of Western action stars, but still men, nonetheless.

When did this spate of child-worship in games come to fruition? Where are our Solid Snakes and Ryu Hayabusas? Why haven't we had more characters with genuine character and morals, or resonant history like Kaim from Lost Odyssey, a game I fucking loved? In regards to Final Fantasy, why do I now have the option to only control select members of the Mickey Mouse Club? Where did mature, adult characters like Cecil, Sabin, or Shadow go? Why are we getting more Vaans than Baschs'?

I'll definitely be buying Final Fantasy XIII. I'll probably check out Infinite Undiscovery, too. Year after year of being consistently disappointed by something I know I shouldn't be disappointed about has conditioned me to instinctively look past the big, beautiful, blue eyes covered by bangs staring lifelessly into my own sad soul each time I play these games with high expectations that this time, maybe this time, things might be different. Doesn't mean I have to like it, though.

Your move, Square Enix. Although I imagine it'll be stalemate until the Weaboos of the world stop syncing your cut scenes to Linkin Park's "In The End" and then posting said contrivances of mediocrity and zero creativity masquerading as art onto YouTube. Which, at this point, will be approximately three days after Armageddon rightfully wreaks a blight upon this world, an end of days you helped to sow, Square Enix. I hope you're happy.

Fabula Nova CRYstalis

Earlier this week, it was announced at the end of the Microsoft E3 press conference that Final Fantasy XIII would no longer be exclusive to PS3. The internets, as expected, imploded, collapsed upon itself three times, and fucked itself in the ass while banging its head to Disturbed.

I've been doing what any spectator who does things on the internet for, as put so succinctly by others, the lulz; that is, massive trolling. The posters on Kotaku are level-headed enough where their expressions of regret are mostly directed at what this means for the future of the PS3, a console they really would like to see do just as well as the 360. You read that, and you think to yourself, "yeah, huh... I wonder how Sony's taking all of this."

But then, something magical happens when you go onto Google and type "Final fantasy xiii petition." Something wonderful and unique, yet quaintly nostalgic, bringing one to recall the ugly and frankly embarassing turn of events that transpired on the internets when it was announced that Devil May Cry 4 would be making its way to the 360 as well.

There's talk of (take your pick): selling out, disrespecting fans, and every third signature insists on calling Square-Enix out for its corporate greed. Somewhere along the way, there's mentions of Xbox 360 owners being "unable to appreciate Final Fantasy" and how they're just happy that Sony lost an exclusive. I can see where all of this is coming from, and I get it. Really, I do. You dropped half a year's allowance on a machine that allows you to live out your weaboo fantasies, and you need some kind of justification that the decision you made was correct. Pathetic, really. But I get it.

Fanboys, please do not paint in your little Final Fantasy VII AMV-creating minds an idealistic picture of Square-Enix as a non-profit organization that taps a mystical well of game creating faeries who, driven by their love of this strange creature known as man, only wish to bring the best to their fanbase. The name of the company itself, a merger of the two biggest effeminate chopping-block wielding galguy RPG makers in Japan, should be telltale enough. Square Enix is dedicated to pleasing as many of their fans as possible, because moving more units and having more fans equals more skrilla. At the end of the day, Square Enix does not give two flying shits about you, and that's the truth.

So, faced with this unbearable fact about the game industry, what should you, as a consumer avid about his (or hers.... maybe) love for games, do with that hard-earned/begged cash? Easy. You buy the games that warrant a purchase. If Final Fantasy XIII is a game that falls under this category, then by all means purchase that game and enjoy it as much as you can. No one has lost Final Fantasy XIII. If anything, the only thing PS3 fanboys have lost is a smug sense of self-satisfaction that provides them with supposed ammunition on the NeoGAF boards. Making fun of 360 owners for not being able to play a game that they supposedly "wouldn't appreciate in the first place." Which makes your argument moot. Huh.

And while we're addressing a cold, hard fact, let's address a more hypothetical but all-too-possible scenario. If Microsoft decided to port Halo 3 or Gears of War to the PS3, either game would fail hard, because PS3 fanboys would decline to buy the game simply out of spite. If fanboys are allowed to make generalizations, then so am I. I'm currently an Xbox 360 owner who previously owned and loved the hell out of his PS2, and I'm finding difficulty in justifying a purchase of PS3. I also own a Wii, DS, and PSP *gasp* If I bought products based solely on loyalty, I'd probably be broke. I think Square Enix is entitled to operate on the same logic as well, too. If you're as big a fan of Square Enix as you claim to be, wouldn't you want to see the company thrive in hopes of seeing more original IPs in the future? Kind of a whole "if you love it, set it free" thing. You figure it out.

So, stop crying Sony fanboys. Look on the bright side; at least now you have really funny, condescending jokes to make, like "I wonder how many discs they'll have to cram that game onto for the 360? Like 3? Possibly 4? *guffaw*

Excellent, quality stuff. Keep up you're good work.

Wahjah? Oh? WAHJAH.

Top 10 Weirdest, wahjah, omgwtf moments for me in video games (in no particular order and completely subjective)

Disclaimer: I in no way harbor any kind of bias towards Japanese developers. If anything, my love for video games was created and fostered by they of the violent-tentacle-porn cartoon East.

Rather than give a dictated description on what I found to be some of the oddest, wahjah moments in games that I’ve played in my most recent memory (older games with shitty translation do not count, as shame wasn’t invented yet in the golden era commonly referred to as the Eighties), I decided to make my descriptions through dialogue between two sides. There’s “John”, the white-boy side of me that was birthed in the resentment of 24 out of 25 years of my life spent in one location while the rest of the world passed me by, and then there’s “Me”, the otherwise Asian-prideful young upstart aspect of my personality that knows he shouldn’t like all these weird-ass fucking Japanese games, but does anyway.

So here you go:

1. Guilty Gear X2

John: “This game’s kinda fun. Like Street Fighter on really tainted crack. But I have my reservations about this Sol Badguy. He’s kinda cheap.”

Me: “Yeah, I say we take a break from using him, then. Who else haven’t you used?”

John: “Ummm… how about this Ed chick? Ed… that’s a weird name for a girl.”

Me: “Well, that’s ‘cause Ed ain’t a girl. It’s really a little dude.”

John: “No shit?”

Me: “No shit. A little Aryan dude who thinks he’s a girl, and fights as a little girl would; well, that is, he fights however a perverted Japanese game dev imagines a little blonde girl would fight.”

John: “With a razor-tipped yo-yo and lots of moves that involve falling down and revealing panty shots?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty much.”

John: “This entire game is like one bad 4chan meme. I don’t get you people.”

2. Devil May Cry 3

John: “So, what happens after you beat this boss? On a related note, I could’ve sworn I’ve seen this chick in like every single iteration of Castlevania ever made.”

Me: “You know how I beat those other bosses and they channeled their energies into a weapon? She does the same thing.”

John: “Sweet, another weapon.” (waits) “Cool guitar. When do you get your weapon?”

Me: “The guitar is the weapon.”

John: “You’re high.”

Me: “No, watch. It’s called the Nevan and it’s really awesome. You can build up really sweet combos when you use it in conjunction with the Athena. Here, watch… see how I’m shredding that monster riff? That builds up those energy bats around me.”

John: “Wow. Huh. So, when faced with mortal danger, Dante does what anyone would do in his situation – bust out his guitar and shred.”

Me: “I’m gonna start carrying around my Guitar Hero controller like a samurai.”

John: “That’ll teach fools to f*ck with you.”

3. Final Fantasy X

John: “Oh my God. This voice acting is so wahjah.”

Me: “Yeah, no shit.”

John: “Oh my God. Why won’t they stop laughing?”

Me: “Well, Tidus is trying to keep Yuna’s spirits high by getting her to laugh in the face of unsurmountable odds that will probably lead to her inevitable death.”

John: “But..”

Me: “I know, the voice acting. But it’s still kinda touching when you think about it.”

John: “I want to use their skulls as ashtrays.”

4. Need For Speed: Most Wanted

Me: “Holy shit. FMV. Didn’t that shit die out after the first Resident Evil?”

John: “Apparently not. EA’s bringing that back in full force.”

Me: “Haha. Oh my God. I’ve seen better acting in hardcore Thai tranny porn.”

John: “If I run into any of these dudes on the street, I’m charley horsing them on principle.”

Me: “Man, how old are you? That stopped being funny back in like 7^th grade.”

John: “Dude, if EA can revive shit like this with zero shame, I can bring back whatever I want. Any trend, anything from any time.”

Me: “You mean like handlebar moustaches?”

John: “Hell yeah. While we’re on that bit, you wanna bring that shit back?”

Me: “No.”

5. God of War II

John: “Dude, that was sick. So, is the Colossus dead?”

Me: “Nah, not even close. You have to school him like at least two more times, and then, as if that weren’t enough, you go into the Colossus itself and school him from the inside.”

John: “That last bit sounded kinda dirty.”

Me: “Not as dirty as this part.”

John: “Hello. What do we have here?”

Me: “Behold, sex mini-game in triple ‘A’ title.”

John: “Is this like one of those Japanese dating sims?”

Me: “I don’t know if I’d go that far. It’s basically a combination of button presses and analog twirls that are supposed to simulate different actions during sex.”

John: “So, basically, you’re simulating sex by yourself using nothing but your hands? How is that any different from what you do before you go to bed every night?”

Me: “I’m tabling this conversation five seconds ago.”

6. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

John: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “I don’t get it.”

7. Kingdom Hearts II

Me: “Christina Aguilera. She was a Mouseketeer, too.”

John: “Yeah. That’s three talentless asshats that have sold their soul to the Devil in order to achieve fame.”

Me: “I dunno. At least Christina Aguilera has pipes. I mean, she can really sing.”

John: “I still don’t see what this has to do with the fact that Mickey Mouse, one of my all-time favorite cartoon characters, is dressed up like an S&M goth ninja-puppet.”

Me: “I’m just trying to make a point. The kingdom of Disney has produced more embarrassing specimens of pop culture than Goth-Ninja Mickey.”

John: “What’s next in this game? Does Minnie wear a tattered Bauhaus T-shirt? And goddamn it, what’s up with all the zippers in this game?”

Me: “OK, I got it. Britney Spears is responsible for bringing K-Fed into the public consciousness. Embarassing byproduct, true, but product nonetheless. I mean, seriously, which is worse? My Chemical Mickey or Popozao?”

John: “…Popozao?”

8. Fugitive Hunter

John: “Dude, this is it. The final boss of all final bosses.”

Me: “Osama Bin Laden/ Where you been hidin’?”

John: “Damn, for an old dude with breathing problems, Bin Laden jukes like a pro. He could probably make Lennox Lewis his bitch in like four rounds.”

Me: “These rap lyrics are ridiculous.”

John: “Oh my god, hahahahaha. Do you think if I get him mad enough, his face’ll turn red and he’ll spout steam from his head like a train whistle?”

Me: “Any person that says video games aren’t politically and socially relevant has their head way up their ass.”

9. Final Fantasy VII

John: “So, what’re we looking for again?”

Me: “Well, we’re trying to get the Sexy Cologne.”

John: “And so far, we’ve got a Silk Dress… and a Ruby Tiara….”

Me: “After we get the Cologne, all that’s left is the Sexy Bikini.”

John: “…Sexy Bikini?”

Me: “Yeah, dude. That’s the only way we can get in the Don’s good graces.”

John: “Wait, I completely tuned out after like the seventeenth bout of endless dialogue. What in God’s name are we doing again?”

Me: “We are gathering all the aforementioned items because we are trying to present Cloud as the prettiest girl at the ball so the Don picks him first as his bang buddy. That way, we can bypass the legions of naked bodybuilders.”

John: “You’ve got this really wicked twinkle in your eye. I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable, and not cute-uncomfortable like in those John Hughes movies.”

Me: “Just keep your trap shut until I find the Sexy Bikini, or I will silence you myself.”

John: “Dude, can we play something else?”

Me: “SEXY BIKINI.”

10. Every single rhythm game that’s been released since the genre’s inception

John: “You know, five minutes before I picked up this plastic Fisher-Price guitar and played the game, I could’ve swore that this was probably the single-most embarrassing thing I could be caught doing. Seriously. I would have to like, leave no witnesses alive.”

Me: “Sign of the times.”