"Subway Ettiquette"
Hello, our friends. This is the Beijing Subway line. Robert couldn't be here today to regurgitate his previous ideas, mainly because he's a man of pride who hates to sound redundant, but does so on numerous occasions.
Robert contacted us yesterday and asked me if I'd like to fill in for a guest spot for today's blog entry and, to tell the truth, I was somewhat hesitant. Ever since our hivemind-like consciousness was bestowed upon all 550 of my cars running concurrently under Beijing's busy streets by a demon of cosmic origin - hailing from as far as the nether star Darkylis, nestled under the watchful gaze of the plague-ridden, demonic Watchers of the Seven Gateways - who would identify himself as "Nyarlathotep The Unspeakable", we've had plenty of time to do plenty of different things. Everything but write. I mean, doggone it, as we run our blind courses, gliding upon the rusted steel bridges that function as both our eternal imprisonment and our salvation, we don't have time to do any writing, much less dabble in anything that resembles literary prowess.
But, as things would have it, this gives us a good chance to come forth and make an announcement: We are now under the protection and domination of the Watchers of Arcturus, who rode the aether plague winds of the ruined city Sarnath and sailed upon Morducain's carrion rivers of death, and came to this planet before time reared its ugly, doomed head and drew its first breath. FYI.
We're plenty peaceful. In fact, the only time we've had to act out of violence was when we engaged a young man from Guangzhou, who, in an act of foolish hubris, thought he could withstand the might of the Beijing Subway. And boy. That wasn't pretty. We weren't too happy about it, but sometimes the limit of man's knowledge must be confined in blood and brimstone. But this is good stuff, gotta think of it that way. Our friend, the arcane sorceror of deceit known as Thomas Friedman says you Chinese folk are facing a "population problem." So, with all of these rules in place, maybe y'all be able to get along and make the ride home a pleasant one!
With that being said, here are the new rules for riding Beijing's Subway lines: This means, Line 1, Line 2, The Olympic Line, Line 10, and the City Metro. And the Batong expressway, if you're into that sorta thing.
1) First, observe the "First out, then in" rule. That means, folks who are getting off the train receive priority, so you folks who wanna get on - gotta wait. Any attempts to violate this pact will trigger the Panes of the Eldritch, which creates a panel of unholy pestilence between the train and the platform, searing any flesh that it makes contact with and cursing those within a 10 foot radius of its maddening sight to a lifetime of apocalyptic visions.
2) Second, seating priority goes to the elderly and people with children. Failure to meet the conditions of this pact will result in the tender flesh that drapes around your body wiltering away into a dust of nothingness, which'll probably be scary to the kids. So, don't forget.
3) Third, do not play mp3s from your cellphone at full blast unless you have brand-specific headphones, or unless the song in question was composed prior to the later half of the 20th century. This means all songs from Taiwan, Sweden, Germany, and random songs culled from game audio rips of DDR are all forbidden. Should your sense of decency fly in the face of this pact, a choir of blind and deaf daemons, forever cursed to madly dance in the court of Azathoth, will descend upon you with a cacophony of songs sung in the most arcane of the forbidden languages, the same devil tongue that sank the thriving and mighty Atlantis millions of years ago. Your head to collapse upon itself as your body joins the doomed choir in unison, your hollowed remains shuffling along to a requiem of the dark ones that only you can hear. Once again, remember the children.
4) Finally, please remember that standing straight is the mark of a proper gentleman or a well-to-do lady. Leaning against others in a fit of slumber or unintentional rudeness is unacceptable. The Watchers'll kill your entire fucking family if you do this shit. Believe that.
And, well, that's about it. That seems like a pretty easy list of simple rules to follow, doesn't it?
Doesn't it? Hello? Beijingers? Oh , Gods no. Masters, forgive us for the blood that will soon stain our once-innocent hands, it's happening all over again... These Chinese people. Just. Don't. Listen.
"Good. Everything is going as planned. Soon, the blight of mankind will receive as violent of an end as the day it was fucked into existence. So says The Elder Gods."
Hello, our friends. This is the Beijing Subway line. Robert couldn't be here today to regurgitate his previous ideas, mainly because he's a man of pride who hates to sound redundant, but does so on numerous occasions.
Robert contacted us yesterday and asked me if I'd like to fill in for a guest spot for today's blog entry and, to tell the truth, I was somewhat hesitant. Ever since our hivemind-like consciousness was bestowed upon all 550 of my cars running concurrently under Beijing's busy streets by a demon of cosmic origin - hailing from as far as the nether star Darkylis, nestled under the watchful gaze of the plague-ridden, demonic Watchers of the Seven Gateways - who would identify himself as "Nyarlathotep The Unspeakable", we've had plenty of time to do plenty of different things. Everything but write. I mean, doggone it, as we run our blind courses, gliding upon the rusted steel bridges that function as both our eternal imprisonment and our salvation, we don't have time to do any writing, much less dabble in anything that resembles literary prowess.
But, as things would have it, this gives us a good chance to come forth and make an announcement: We are now under the protection and domination of the Watchers of Arcturus, who rode the aether plague winds of the ruined city Sarnath and sailed upon Morducain's carrion rivers of death, and came to this planet before time reared its ugly, doomed head and drew its first breath. FYI.
We're plenty peaceful. In fact, the only time we've had to act out of violence was when we engaged a young man from Guangzhou, who, in an act of foolish hubris, thought he could withstand the might of the Beijing Subway. And boy. That wasn't pretty. We weren't too happy about it, but sometimes the limit of man's knowledge must be confined in blood and brimstone. But this is good stuff, gotta think of it that way. Our friend, the arcane sorceror of deceit known as Thomas Friedman says you Chinese folk are facing a "population problem." So, with all of these rules in place, maybe y'all be able to get along and make the ride home a pleasant one!
With that being said, here are the new rules for riding Beijing's Subway lines: This means, Line 1, Line 2, The Olympic Line, Line 10, and the City Metro. And the Batong expressway, if you're into that sorta thing.
1) First, observe the "First out, then in" rule. That means, folks who are getting off the train receive priority, so you folks who wanna get on - gotta wait. Any attempts to violate this pact will trigger the Panes of the Eldritch, which creates a panel of unholy pestilence between the train and the platform, searing any flesh that it makes contact with and cursing those within a 10 foot radius of its maddening sight to a lifetime of apocalyptic visions.
2) Second, seating priority goes to the elderly and people with children. Failure to meet the conditions of this pact will result in the tender flesh that drapes around your body wiltering away into a dust of nothingness, which'll probably be scary to the kids. So, don't forget.
3) Third, do not play mp3s from your cellphone at full blast unless you have brand-specific headphones, or unless the song in question was composed prior to the later half of the 20th century. This means all songs from Taiwan, Sweden, Germany, and random songs culled from game audio rips of DDR are all forbidden. Should your sense of decency fly in the face of this pact, a choir of blind and deaf daemons, forever cursed to madly dance in the court of Azathoth, will descend upon you with a cacophony of songs sung in the most arcane of the forbidden languages, the same devil tongue that sank the thriving and mighty Atlantis millions of years ago. Your head to collapse upon itself as your body joins the doomed choir in unison, your hollowed remains shuffling along to a requiem of the dark ones that only you can hear. Once again, remember the children.
4) Finally, please remember that standing straight is the mark of a proper gentleman or a well-to-do lady. Leaning against others in a fit of slumber or unintentional rudeness is unacceptable. The Watchers'll kill your entire fucking family if you do this shit. Believe that.
And, well, that's about it. That seems like a pretty easy list of simple rules to follow, doesn't it?
Doesn't it? Hello? Beijingers? Oh , Gods no. Masters, forgive us for the blood that will soon stain our once-innocent hands, it's happening all over again... These Chinese people. Just. Don't. Listen.
"Good. Everything is going as planned. Soon, the blight of mankind will receive as violent of an end as the day it was fucked into existence. So says The Elder Gods."I'm in a weird mood
No comments:
Post a Comment