Top 10 Weirdest, wahjah, omgwtf moments for me in video games (in no particular order and completely subjective)
Disclaimer: I in no way harbor any kind of bias towards Japanese developers. If anything, my love for video games was created and fostered by they of the violent-tentacle-porn cartoon East.
Rather than give a dictated description on what I found to be some of the oddest, wahjah moments in games that I’ve played in my most recent memory (older games with shitty translation do not count, as shame wasn’t invented yet in the golden era commonly referred to as the Eighties), I decided to make my descriptions through dialogue between two sides. There’s “John”, the white-boy side of me that was birthed in the resentment of 24 out of 25 years of my life spent in one location while the rest of the world passed me by, and then there’s “Me”, the otherwise Asian-prideful young upstart aspect of my personality that knows he shouldn’t like all these weird-ass fucking Japanese games, but does anyway.
So here you go:
- Guilty Gear X2
Me: “Yeah, I say we take a break from using him, then. Who else haven’t you used?”
John: “Ummm… how about this Ed chick? Ed… that’s a weird name for a girl.”
Me: “Well, that’s ‘cause Ed ain’t a girl. It’s really a little dude.”
John: “No shit?”
Me: “No shit. A little Aryan dude who thinks he’s a girl, and fights as a little girl would; well, that is, he fights however a perverted Japanese game dev imagines a little blonde girl would fight.”
John: “With a razor-tipped yo-yo and lots of moves that involve falling down and revealing panty shots?”
Me: “Yeah, pretty much.”
John: “This entire game is like one bad 4chan meme. I don’t get you people.”
- Devil May Cry 3
John: “So, what happens after you beat this boss? On a related note, I could’ve sworn I’ve seen this chick in like every single iteration of Castlevania ever made.”
Me: “You know how I beat those other bosses and they channeled their energies into a weapon? She does the same thing.”
John: “Sweet, another weapon.” (waits) “Cool guitar. When do you get your weapon?”
Me: “The guitar is the weapon.”
John: “You’re high.”
Me: “No, watch. It’s called the Nevan and it’s really awesome. You can build up really sweet combos when you use it in conjunction with the Athena. Here, watch… see how I’m shredding that monster riff? That builds up those energy bats around me.”
John: “Wow. Huh. So, when faced with mortal danger, Dante does what anyone would do in his situation – bust out his guitar and shred.”
Me: “I’m gonna start carrying around my Guitar Hero controller like a samurai.”
John: “That’ll teach fools to f*ck with you.”
- Final Fantasy X
John: “Oh my God. This voice acting is so wahjah.”
Me: “Yeah, no shit.”
John: “Oh my God. Why won’t they stop laughing?”
Me: “Well, Tidus is trying to keep Yuna’s spirits high by getting her to laugh in the face of unsurmountable odds that will probably lead to her inevitable death.”
John: “But..”
Me: “I know, the voice acting. But it’s still kinda touching when you think about it.”
John: “I want to use their skulls as ashtrays.”
- Need For Speed: Most Wanted
Me: “Holy shit. FMV. Didn’t that shit die out after the first Resident Evil?”
John: “Apparently not. EA’s bringing that back in full force.”
Me: “Haha. Oh my God. I’ve seen better acting in hardcore Thai tranny porn.”
John: “If I run into any of these dudes on the street, I’m charley horsing them on principle.”
Me: “Man, how old are you? That stopped being funny back in like 7th grade.”
John: “Dude, if EA can revive shit like this with zero shame, I can bring back whatever I want. Any trend, anything from any time.”
Me: “You mean like handlebar moustaches?”
John: “Hell yeah. While we’re on that bit, you wanna bring that shit back?”
Me: “No.”
- God of War II
John: “Dude, that was sick. So, is the Colossus dead?”
Me: “Nah, not even close. You have to school him like at least two more times, and then, as if that weren’t enough, you go into the Colossus itself and school him from the inside.”
John: “That last bit sounded kinda dirty.”
Me: “Not as dirty as this part.”
John: “Hello. What do we have here?”
Me: “Behold, sex mini-game in triple ‘A’ title.”
John: “Is this like one of those Japanese dating sims?”
Me: “I don’t know if I’d go that far. It’s basically a combination of button presses and analog twirls that are supposed to simulate different actions during sex.”
John: “So, basically, you’re simulating sex by yourself using nothing but your hands? How is that any different from what you do before you go to bed every night?”
Me: “I’m tabling this conversation five seconds ago.”
- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
John: “I don’t get it.”
Me: “I don’t get it.”
- Kingdom Hearts II
Me: “Christina Aguilera. She was a Mouseketeer, too.”
John: “Yeah. That’s three talentless asshats that have sold their soul to the Devil in order to achieve fame.”
Me: “I dunno. At least Christina Aguilera has pipes. I mean, she can really sing.”
John: “I still don’t see what this has to do with the fact that Mickey Mouse, one of my all-time favorite cartoon characters, is dressed up like an S&M goth ninja-puppet.”
Me: “I’m just trying to make a point. The kingdom of Disney has produced more embarrassing specimens of pop culture than Goth-Ninja Mickey.”
John: “What’s next in this game? Does Minnie wear a tattered Bauhaus T-shirt? And goddamn it, what’s up with all the zippers in this game?”
Me: “OK, I got it. Britney Spears is responsible for bringing K-Fed into the public consciousness. Embarassing byproduct, true, but product nonetheless. I mean, seriously, which is worse? My Chemical Mickey or Popozao?”
John: “…Popozao?”
- Fugitive Hunter
John: “Dude, this is it. The final boss of all final bosses.”
Me: “Osama Bin Laden/ Where you been hidin’?”
John: “Damn, for an old dude with breathing problems, Bin Laden jukes like a pro. He could probably make Lennox Lewis his bitch in like four rounds.”
Me: “These rap lyrics are ridiculous.”
John: “Oh my god, hahahahaha. Do you think if I get him mad enough, his face’ll turn red and he’ll spout steam from his head like a train whistle?”
Me: “Any person that says video games aren’t politically and socially relevant has their head way up their ass.”
- Final Fantasy VII
John: “So, what’re we looking for again?”
Me: “Well, we’re trying to get the Sexy Cologne.”
John: “And so far, we’ve got a Silk Dress… and a Ruby Tiara….”
Me: “After we get the Cologne, all that’s left is the Sexy Bikini.”
John: “…Sexy Bikini?”
Me: “Yeah, dude. That’s the only way we can get in the Don’s good graces.”
John: “Wait, I completely tuned out after like the seventeenth bout of endless dialogue. What in God’s name are we doing again?”
Me: “We are gathering all the aforementioned items because we are trying to present Cloud as the prettiest girl at the ball so the Don picks him first as his bang buddy. That way, we can bypass the legions of naked bodybuilders.”
John: “You’ve got this really wicked twinkle in your eye. I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable, and not cute-uncomfortable like in those John Hughes movies.”
Me: “Just keep your trap shut until I find the Sexy Bikini, or I will silence you myself.”
John: “Dude, can we play something else?”
Me: “SEXY BIKINI.”
- Every single rhythm game that’s been released since the genre’s inception
John: “You know, five minutes before I picked up this plastic Fisher-Price guitar and played the game, I could’ve swore that this was probably the single-most embarrassing thing I could be caught doing. Seriously. I would have to like, leave no witnesses alive.”
Me: “Sign of the times.”